Wednesday, February 10, 2010
stronger.
i go to sch everyday, i be my ownself everyday, i put a smile and create jokes. nobody knows how it feels deep there. i go home, act like nothing happen. put a front face for my mom, my sis and brother. when its time to sleep, lights are off, i lay there thinking. and i start crying. every single night. its the same thing.
i went thru my FB just now. i saw his friends profile, attached, happy, smiling and in love. where did mine go?
nobody told me this is coming. nobody told me that it will hurt this much.
i guess he's pretty angry now with me, angry about what im not sure. but its something his friend said. but it doesnt matter.
maybe its better this way.
i went thru my FB just now. i saw his friends profile, attached, happy, smiling and in love. where did mine go?
nobody told me this is coming. nobody told me that it will hurt this much.
i guess he's pretty angry now with me, angry about what im not sure. but its something his friend said. but it doesnt matter.
maybe its better this way.
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
be strong.
it will be purely hardcore brooding blog posts for these period of time. i need to let out whats within me, and i just want to say it out, im not interested in getting any opinion. thats why im not talking to people about this.
firstly, im glad theres actually people who still care for me. my mom, sister, brother, jiamin, ayu, joy, ian and wei ping :) thanks people for listening and telling me what to do. but despite asking so many people's opinion, i still cant make up my mind.
i hate myself for not being strong, strong enough to move on without crying or wanting to hear his voice. im not even strong enough to picture myself without him. im not strong enough for anything. it breaks my heart to hear him cry, it breaks my heart to hear him beg, it breaks my heart to hear him talk to me like nothing had change.
"you wan oats? i make for you ok?"
im not there anymore. not now, maybe not ever ilham.
i was so weak, i just wanted to sleep with his voice in my head. i told him not to put down the phone yesterday night, just take care of me. for a minute he was so happy. and i know i shouldnt have ask him to stay on the phone till i sleep, im giving him hope. im sorry. but i still need him, i cant deny that.
"you still want me to sleep with you thru the night even after i hurt you so much?"
and he cried.
that night i dreamt. i dreamt he walk away from me and never came back. when i wake up, it already happen to me right now. i wake up with a hole in my heart, knowing that i dont need a dream to scare me, i know its not even a dream. its real.
give me time, time to heal.
maybe than i will accept you in.
firstly, im glad theres actually people who still care for me. my mom, sister, brother, jiamin, ayu, joy, ian and wei ping :) thanks people for listening and telling me what to do. but despite asking so many people's opinion, i still cant make up my mind.
i hate myself for not being strong, strong enough to move on without crying or wanting to hear his voice. im not even strong enough to picture myself without him. im not strong enough for anything. it breaks my heart to hear him cry, it breaks my heart to hear him beg, it breaks my heart to hear him talk to me like nothing had change.
"you wan oats? i make for you ok?"
im not there anymore. not now, maybe not ever ilham.
i was so weak, i just wanted to sleep with his voice in my head. i told him not to put down the phone yesterday night, just take care of me. for a minute he was so happy. and i know i shouldnt have ask him to stay on the phone till i sleep, im giving him hope. im sorry. but i still need him, i cant deny that.
"you still want me to sleep with you thru the night even after i hurt you so much?"
and he cried.
that night i dreamt. i dreamt he walk away from me and never came back. when i wake up, it already happen to me right now. i wake up with a hole in my heart, knowing that i dont need a dream to scare me, i know its not even a dream. its real.
give me time, time to heal.
maybe than i will accept you in.
Monday, February 08, 2010
tears.
i dont know what i should do or what i shouldnt do.
i just want to forget about everything and get back together again.
but i know, its not the same.
and i know i cant do it.
not just yet.
:'(
i just want to forget about everything and get back together again.
but i know, its not the same.
and i know i cant do it.
not just yet.
:'(
Thursday, February 04, 2010
its empty. my heart and my life.
i told people you are the best. i told people you aren't those type. now i realise i told people way too many lies. lies that I've been living in for 15 months, lies that i didn't know it exist all this time.
i wouldn't say meeting and loving you was my biggest mistakes, even if it is. because i cherish those moments more than anything else.
after living for 15months knowing i belong to someone, knowing i lack nothing in this world. now out of sudden, everything vanish. i wake up with a hole in my heart, i wake up knowing what i went thru wasn't a bad dream. but a reality that will stick with me till the end of time.
i always qn myself, where did i go wrong, what did i lack in. than you manage to betray US and hurt this feeling. wasn't i good enough? didn't i make you laugh and smile all the time? didn't i sacrifice my everything for you? wasn't i there for you all the time?
if its hard for you since i choose to walk away, don't you think its harder for me to have the image of a stranger in my head every time i see your face?
now you want me to forgive and give you a second chance. but didn't i warn you from the start? didn't i tell you not to play with fire? didn't i tell you don't betray my trust? and you couldn't do that. not even that.
you thought after playing with fire, after the fire died off, you think you can get away with it without me finding out? than i guess you didn't know god is fair.
I'm sorry if you are hurt with how i handle things now. you force me to do it, you force me to walk away. you know deep down my feeling is still...
move on ilham, move on without me in your life.
I'm too hurt to turn back time.
We are still friends. I promise.
i wouldn't say meeting and loving you was my biggest mistakes, even if it is. because i cherish those moments more than anything else.
after living for 15months knowing i belong to someone, knowing i lack nothing in this world. now out of sudden, everything vanish. i wake up with a hole in my heart, i wake up knowing what i went thru wasn't a bad dream. but a reality that will stick with me till the end of time.
i always qn myself, where did i go wrong, what did i lack in. than you manage to betray US and hurt this feeling. wasn't i good enough? didn't i make you laugh and smile all the time? didn't i sacrifice my everything for you? wasn't i there for you all the time?
if its hard for you since i choose to walk away, don't you think its harder for me to have the image of a stranger in my head every time i see your face?
now you want me to forgive and give you a second chance. but didn't i warn you from the start? didn't i tell you not to play with fire? didn't i tell you don't betray my trust? and you couldn't do that. not even that.
you thought after playing with fire, after the fire died off, you think you can get away with it without me finding out? than i guess you didn't know god is fair.
I'm sorry if you are hurt with how i handle things now. you force me to do it, you force me to walk away. you know deep down my feeling is still...
move on ilham, move on without me in your life.
I'm too hurt to turn back time.
We are still friends. I promise.